On Passion

I am a passionate person by nature. For me, being passionate is not the same as being emotional. These are two completely different states of mind. Even when I'm feeling emotional I also tend to be as rational as I can, so as not to devolve myself into ad hominem attacks and other types of emotional outbursts. Alas, I'm also human, so I do lose control occasionally, though I try to limit it to as minimum as possible.

Back to passion. Without passion it's not worth doing anything in life. You become a tool. A machine. The things that you do in your life become meaningless and valueless. I, for one, will never do anything if I cannot find the passion for it. It's a two-fold process for me. Passion has to be there when I decide to do something, and the passion also has to be 100 percent. Yes, when it comes to passion, it's all or nothing for me.

My passion can border on fanaticism, or at least that's what some people say of me. Take running for example. When I first started running seriously two years ago it was out of pure passion for the sports and the need to constantly challenge myself. I made a vow that it wasn't going to be just a flash in the pan, or what the Malays say "hangat-hangat tahi ayam" (loosely translated as "warm warm chicken shit"). Two years onward my passion for running still goes strong and shows no sign of slackening.

The same goes with my current vocation, teaching and researching politics. It was my activist background that brought me to academia as my passion for politics urged me to learn more about it on the theoretical level. Without this unstinting passion I don't think I will able to survive for long in the academia and fulfill my aspiration as a "scholar-activist."

On a more private side I also apply similar philosophy of passion to my romantic relationship. When I decide to be in a relationship with someone I pour all my heart and soul into it, no difference than what I do with running, politics, etc. There's not a moment of hesitation or doubt. It's either 100 percent or nada. My partner then becomes the center of my universe and I do whatever it takes within my mortal power to make the relationship lasts. Of course when the partner doesn't share the same level of passion and commitment the relationship will sooner or later destine for failure. In other words, I'm setting myself up for a huge disappointment if it fails.

Like gambling, those who gamble big will either win big or lose big. For me there's no such thing as a small win in a relationship. It's either I get all I want or I lose it all. There's no such thing as being 35.628 percent passionate in a relationship - at least for me. I guess this is why I get hurt so bad when my relationship fails. I feel like a complete failure, a total loser, utterly vulnerable. I take the rejection very personally and deeply. I crash really really bad! It takes me a long time to recover, and I'm talking years.

I guess this is the consequence of doing something with the utmost passion. If one starts with a low level of passion and expectation then the disappointment of failure will be much easier to swallow and deal with. One can either become a conservative in life and take very little risk, or one can be live life to the fullest by taking (calculated) risks and living passionately. For me there is no other way to live. Fortunately my other "relationships" with running, soccer, academia, activism provide me with equal and unconditional passion and love in return, so it means I will never ever be disappointed. Too bad the same dynamic does not apply to my romantic relationship. As the cliche goes, "you win some, you lose some."

It's not a crime to be sentimental

A song that so happens to resonate with my life right now. It doesn't help that it's on the current Australian top 10 list and my gym plays it 24/7. Makes working out more melancholic. Oh well...I hope the storm shall soon pass.

The need to blog?

The last time I blogged it was because of an emotional crisis. This time I'm again going through an emotional crisis but I'm resisting the temptation to blog about it. I'd rather channel the frustration to more productive outlets such as my research and political essays. From now on I'm adopting a policy of "if I don't have anything nice to say, then don't blog about it" - with the exception of political matters, of course. Yes, I do have a lot of not-very-nice things to say about my current emotional crisis but I will refrain myself from doing so. Let's just wait for a more suitable time and place to express this emotion then.

The M Word

There I was peacefully minding my own business when a relative, who happened to stay over at my house, suddenly interjected: "So I heard that you're going to Germany soon. When is it that are you going to get married then if you keep on traveling like this and never stay put in one place for very long?" Yes, I'm talking about that M word: Marriage, Matrimony and their kin. Okay, first of all I truly despise people who try to impose their values on others especially the moral ones. It's like if you're not living according to their own myopic, morally-rigid Manichean world view then your life is rendered utterly meaningless, and worse yet, condemned by the Almighty to an eternity in the seventh ring of Hell. But then that has always been the least of my worry since I usually ignore these self-righteous people and more than happy to just let them go foaming at the mouth. I'm more worried if a speck of that spittle from the excessive sermonizing ends up on my face! I've always lived my life as I deemed fit, shaped by the values and norms I've internalized over the years through places I've lived in and people I've met. Ain't nobody be telling me how to live, not even my parents!

Anyway, back to the M word. Why is this such a big deal especially in this part of the world? I remember writing about this topic before but I'm too lazy to search the archive. Why are some people so obsessed with the institution of marriage so much so that to question its relevance can be perceived as sacrilegious? Well, for a lot of people it is a sacred bond: a contract signed and sealed under the aegis of a holy institution, namely organized religion. Therefore to question its meaning and validity can be construed as a direct challenge on the divine injunctions of God (s). In Islam the oft-repeated saying is that marriage (metaphorically) makes up half of one's deeds (ibadah) on this Earth, simply to show how important it is in relation to one's other mortal activities such as working, praying, studying, etc. Despite marriage's high level of cultural and religious cachet I still believe that it's an overrated institution, unjustifiably elevated to the untouchable realm of the divine, and should be seen as what it really is: a legally-sanctioned act of procreation which sole purpose is to increase the size of the flock, be it tribal or religious or whatever.

Okay, I don't want to come off as a cynic who is completely disillusioned with the institution of marriage, which by the way I'm not despite of my serious misgivings. But then if one manages to scratch past the superficial romantic ideals commonly associated with marriage one finds that legalized marriage is a way for a specific society to protect itself from being culturally diluted, maintaining its raison d'etre, and thus protecting itself from any existential threat by virtue of the numbers game. In other words, to preserve or even increase the size of its flock. Marriage in a way is a mutually-benefiting endeavor, not just between the bride and the groom but also between the couple and the specific social group they belong to. Freud stipulates that sex is one of the two most underlying traits of human nature and motivation (aggression is the other one), which needs to be satisfied, one way or the other. But then in societies where cultural and religious integrity is highly valued, sex, at least the procreation part of it, is an activity that needs to be jealously guarded and closely supervised. Hence any hot-blooded member of the said tribe raging with hormones wanting to engage in carnal pleasures that might lead to the preservation of one's own genealogical line has to have the imprimatur of the authority before doing so. The religious or cultural vanguards give their official blessing, under strict guidelines of course, while the couple gets to keep one of their Freudian basic needs in check; thus, the mutually-benefiting agreement. People get to copulate and reproduce while the tribal leaders have the peace of mind knowing that the flock will remain intact and might even increase in size.

I might be over-intellectualizing the whole utility of the marriage institution but at least on the statistical front I think my views on marriage as overrated and under-appreciated are justified. In general about half of marriages end up in divorce - there are official figures somewhere but again I'm too lazy to find them - and this is not including unhappy and abusive marriages. I sat through divorce proceedings in Kuala Lumpur Syariah Court a couple of years ago and remember being amazed at the ease and rate of people (Muslims in this case) get divorce. I asked the judge during lunch break if it's common to have so many divorces in one day, and he said that on the average there are about 15-20 divorce cases on the daily docket. People get divorced as easily as they get married, which shows how much value they put on the whole marriage institution itself. On a more personal note I'm at the stage of my life where most of friends are married with kids, and guess what, a lot of them are divorced too. Some who still remain married are not happy and simply bear with it for the sake of their children and other people's perception. Worse of all, some of them end up having mistresses or illicit affairs or even patronize prostitutes on a regular basis. Mind you that these are people I know extremely well, some for almost all of my life, and they are not shy in sharing all the details.

Like I said before I have nothing against the marriage institution; only well-founded wariness and healthy skepticism. I do realize that happiness and harmony in marriage are not guaranteed and it still takes a leap of faith on one's part despite all the precautions taken. But I believe that it's a calculated risk that can be managed carefully if one is deliberate and patient enough. The mistake is to rush headlong into this binding contract with nary an idea of what is needed to make it work or that one is even compatible with each other. I remember reading an article in the NY Times some time ago about a longitudinal study being done to look at happy and unhappy marriages. The findings state that a happy marriage typically consists of a couple who complement each other and always provide new challenges to the other person, be it physically or intellectually, so the marriage doesn't become stale and ossified. Ask yourself this question then if you're contemplating marriage or are already in one: What will your partner/spouse be like in five years time? Ten years? Twenty years? Will he or she still be as fascinating as when you first met him or her? Is this the person you want to grow old and ride into the sunset with? When I read that article I felt somewhat vindicated because that's exactly what I search for in a partner. Alas, at the time of this writing the search still continues.

Fateful Triangle

It was the metaphorical shape I was trapped in, of which I'm trying to escape. It's bad enough when there's a conflict between the unknown elements that make up its tripartite dynamic but in my case the elements are well known to each other, which throw an additional wrench into the works. It's not simply the matter of cutting my losses and get the hell out of dodge as fast as I can. It involves people I care very much about, of whom I still intend to remain friends and hang out with in the future. Bridge-burning is simply not an option. It's difficult to say how much of the old dynamic has changed now and what are we to expect of each other in the future. Will there still be awkwardness and discomfort when we get together as a group a month from now? Or a year? Or three years? Only time can tell, and as the cliche goes "time heals all wounds." I believe that this is merely a superficial wound that doesn't take long to heal and barely leaves any permanent scar. Still I don't know for sure how long the healing process will take and my fear is that if left unattended it can fester into a life-threatening gangrene. Thus, as painful as the healing process is right now, an action has to be taken to prevent further deterioration down the road. I'm still not entirely sure what entails as the best course of action and I don't even know if my leaving for Berlin will help with the healing/normalization process. For now I just want to go back to KL and clear my mind. We'll see how it goes from there.

p/s: The title of this post is taken from Noam Chomsky's famous book on the Palestinian-Israeli conflict.

Back in the ink (or pixel) again

It seems pathetic that it takes an unrequited romance to get me back to blogging again, after a 5-month hiatus. I mean what else am I supposed to do? I can barely get a shut-eye and my mind is too scatter-shot for reading or even watching TV for that matter. A better way to sort out this emotional mess is to talk to a trusted confidant but since I'm lacking that option for now the next best therapeutic thing for me to do is write. By the way, I'll wait until I get back to KL this weekend to talk with my confidant.

As always, after going through such emotional turmoil, I would make an unshakable pledge to not ever allow myself a moment of weakness like this to happen again and to swear off any romantic relationship or an attempt at establishing one in the future. Of course I break it every time, though thankfully it is still a very rare occurrence. Also I think, fortunately in this case, I wasn't in that deep into the affair that if I was it could probably have resulted in a more serious (emotional) damage. Still, my guard was down and though I haven't really taken that proverbial leap of faith I was nonetheless hanging precariously on the precipice by the tip of my brittle fingernails. Now is the matter of pulling myself back up over the ledge, dusting myself off, and continuing on my life journey despite this little hiccup. How long will it take me to get back up on that ledge, put this momentary lapse of emotional acuity behind and trudge on to my merry ways still remains a question. Like all emotional trauma this one does hurt but I reckon it's not as bad as the previous ones and it shouldn't take me that long to bounce back up. We'll see.

p/s: I'm halfway done with Mario Vargas Llosa's "The Bad Girl" and I guess by sympathizing with the more romantically unfortunate and emotionally hapless protagonist it somehow has a sobering and calming effect on my currently tumultuous mind.

The Literature of Broken-heartedness

I've always had an affinity for Latin American literature when it comes to mending broken heart. In my previous breakups I instinctively reached out to Pablo Neruda's love poems and Gabriel Garcia Marquez's "Love in the Time of Cholera," for example. These past days I've been going through this same (crappy) emotion again. What I had hoped to turn into a romantic relationship didn't pan out in the end. After the hard truths were revealed I went home and started to pick up the only Latin American book I have with me at the time: "The Bad Girl" by Mario Vargas Llosa, this year's Nobel prize winner in Literature. The story is about a guy who keeps falling for the same woman who has been emotionally manipulating him for most of his life. He met her in various locales around the world through various stages in his life with her assuming various incarnations each time, and in each encounter his heart was crushed mercilessly. Well, the story specifically is not that relevant to my current romantic context but the overarching theme of longing for the unattainable and to be frustrated at every attempt in attaining it certainly resonates well with me and my dismal history of romance. Besides the book I'm beginning to think that I probably need to "mandi bunga" or something just to get rid of this dark curse of bad romance! Oh well...c'est la vie!

Lost in emotional confusion

I consider myself an outspoken and expressive person by nature. I never bottle up my emotions and feelings, be they sad, angry, and happy. If I don't like something I make no bones about it. If I'm happy you'll know about it immediately. If I'm depressed then you'd better to listen my endless outpourings. I just don't believe in keeping everything repressed inside. Yes, I'm that kind of person.

I've been this way for as long as I can remember, but I guess living in the US for a long time sort of reinforces this personality trait of mine. Americans are generally well-known for their straight-forward and no-nonsense manner that can sometimes be misconstrued as abrasive and rude. Well, there is a degree of truth to that but overall I think it's a personality that most Americans find therapeutic and, to an extent, honest. As the thinking goes, it's better not to beat around the bush and pretend that everything's okay when it's not. It's best to nip the problem in the bud by having it out in the open before it festers into a gangrenous wound. Talk it out. Argue with each other if need be. Lay bare your soul. Be honest about how you feel even if the truth hurts.

It's that last part that got me into trouble lately. A few days ago I showed my displeasure (via email) to a person (non-American) I really care about who recently had been giving me the cold shoulder. I felt that she was ignoring me for a reason and she wasn't about to tell why. Out of sheer frustration I decided to shoot her an email expressing my displeasure of being treated like a scrap of old newspaper (the exact words I used). The email, in my opinion, wasn't particularly harsh but I guess it was abrasive enough that she wasn't taking it too well. In my mind I was just letting out my frustration to someone whom I'm personally close with but she took it as a big slap in her face. We immediately got into a fight on YM and it didn't end very well. She is still not talking to me as of now.

I'm beginning to have a slight regret about sending that email. Was it the right thing to do at the time? Or should I just hold off on it until I get to see her in person and tell her then? My action seemed a bit impetuous but then I'm not the kind of person who keeps my emotions inside for a long time. Plus, much to my naiveté, I didn't expect her to react so harshly to my email. I knew she'd be angry but I hope it was in a more reasonable, lets-talk-about-this kind of way. But no. She totally slammed me and shut down all of my attempts to explain myself.

I'm still a bit taken aback by her really rough reaction. I'm wondering if it's because of the personality difference between us or does culture play a part in this also? By cultural difference I mean she is used to the polite, non-expressive, decorous Asian way of social manners, and not the shoot-from-hip, in-your-face American way. When I used to date American girls we had this kind of exchanges all the time, and it felt really good to be able to put our grievances out there to be argued and dissected with. No bullshit, no nonsense. You have to be able to take in what you dish out. In the end I guess she was not the receptive, open-minded person that I thought she was. Anyway, I'm trying to mend fences with her and get her to understand that I did not do it out of spite and malice but out of passion and intimacy. I would only do something like this for people I care about.

Your issues

Hey,

Your problem is that you think the whole fucking universe revolves around you. It's all about you, you and you, and nobody else but you. You never once try to put yourself in other people's shoe, to find out how they feel, especially for people who are close to you. You play victim all the time. It's always you who have been wronged by someone or another. It's never your fault that bad things happen to you even though most of them are of your own makings to begin with. You are too much of a coward to take responsibility for your own action; instead you play the victim card and expect people to express their heartfelt sympathy for you. You are a manipulator, pure and simple. You manipulate other people's empathy and kindness just to make yourself feel better. You use people for your own selfish emotional needs. You are a user - of the worse kind. You make nice to people when they fit your needs and discard them like scraps of old newspaper when they outlive their usefulness to you. People are like toys to you, to be played with when the mood strikes and to be tossed aside when newer and fancier toys are found. In short, you are a BABY. No, I take that back. You're not exactly like a baby because babies have no comprehension of their erratic mood swings and temper tantrum. You are just an adult operating with a full-grown adult mind while acting like a baby. Unlike babies, you have the capacity to be conscious and responsible for your action but you simply refuse to own up to it. No wonder you are never happy and never will be if you keep on being this emotionally selfish, self-centered person. For once, take a deep and honest introspection into your life and being, and see what has gone wrong and in what ways you have hurt others over the years. It will do you a world of wonders and goodness. It's about time that someone tells you that your shit stinks!

Finding love in the 21st century

A lot of people still hold traditional views of what constitute as romance and love, and how to go about pursuing them. Meeting their prospective partners through mutual friends or family or in the office or the university is still the preferable mode of romance-seeking for most. And for the few adventurous souls dating and social networking websites can prove to be the fertile ground for romance.

With the explosive growth of social networking websites people are now finding love in previously uncharted territory. Despite the popularity of online communication and the ridiculous amount of time people spend in virtual communities, online romance still holds a certain stigma within the society. People are still reluctant to tell others that they met their partners in some dating or social networking websites. It's the common mis-perception that only losers trawl the cyber world looking for love. Well, that might be the case a few years ago but it certainly is not nowadays - at least in some parts of the world.

Facebook, for one, has inadvertently become a conducive and safe arena for starting or renewing romance. A couple of examples perfectly illustrated this phenomenon and inspired me to blog about it:

First incident happened last Friday when I was hanging out at Coffee Bean in Bangsar Village. There was a really cute Chinese girl sitting by herself one table over from me. Then a guy came to sit at a table next to her and asked to borrow her lighter. I think he borrowed her lighter five times in a span of 30 minutes! Finally, as he was about to leave, he gave her a napkin written with his name, email and phone number. He also told the girl to check out his Facebook profile if she wants to know more about him. She immediately added him as a friend on Facebook and was approved by the guy in a matter of minutes! Okay, I was sitting a mere three feet away from her, which meant that I could listen in to the conversation and even took a peek at her laptop screen.

Second incident involved a friend of mine who found her long-lost high school crush through the wonders of Facebook and now they plan to get married March next year. Both of them have been traveling and living in various countries in the past decade and had lost contact with each other for so many years. The thing was he didn't even know that she used to have a mad crush on him back in high school, and obviously she still has the same feelings for him until today. Now they're finally living in the same country but in different cities, which means that some compromises will have to be made when they get married next year. I'm no sentimental sap but I think their story is poignant and by no means an isolated case.

I believe that finding new love or reconnecting with old one online is fast becoming a norm in a population consumed with living the virtual life. A lot of people spend equal, if not more, hours engaging in online communities than the real one. As in the real world social interaction, online social interaction also involves feelings and emotions. Just because we are not physically visible it doesn't mean that the emotions and feelings are any less real. The key issue with online social interaction is trust, and as more and more people becoming fully invested in online communities I believe people will be more transparent, honest, and truthful since they don't want to jeopardize their social standing within this virtual community.

I think Facebook is a great place to meet new people or even to find romance because it allows the user to be more transparent and honest by posting pictures of themselves and letting others comment on their page, among other features. It's a cliche but honesty and transparency are the important aspects in making any relationship to work and succeed. Granted that Facebook users can still tailor-made their profile so as to mold and create a certain public persona for themselves, but people are already doing that in real life anyway. In all, if any you have the inclination to find your soul-mate in the vast cyber world then go do it and pay no mind to what negative things your friends and family might say. It beats sitting at the bar trying various lame pick-up lines on the disinterested ladies.

Disclosure: I, myself, have had a romantic dalliance with a total stranger through Facebook, and I don't see anything wrong with it. My Facebook profile is transparent and honest, and I never pretend to be somebody else online.

Emotional safe haven

Like everybody else, I always retreat into my comfort zone when faced with life's uncertainties. This is the place where I feel the safest and most assured in the midst of a turmoil. A few things offer me the level of solace I need to confront life's adversity: football (playing and talking), politics (talking and writing), musty libraries, my precious book collection, and of course, the company of good friends and family.

I guess that's why I've been writing a lot about politics lately. It serves as a distraction from other vexing life issues such as relationship. Speaking of relationship, who understands women? They're a melodramatic creature with wild mood swings and emotionally-selfish to boot. Okay, I'm over-generalizing here but it just shows how frustrated I am right now with some members of the female species. I tried my very best to understand them but still failed miserably. They are simply irrational and beyond logical comprehension. They change their minds as often as they change their panties. They're fickle-minded and they couldn't care less if their erratic behaviors negatively affect other people. They expect you to just "know" the reasons behind their actions as if you can read their minds. When asked about the reasons, they refuse to tell you what they are! Please tell me if there's a logical and sane way of dealing with this kind of situation?

That's why I retreat into a space that provides me with a solid anchor and a strong sense of familiarity such as football and politics. At least with these two topics I know what to expect and how to deal with them. I simply wish that all women are like football and politics: somewhat predictable, less emotionally exhausting and far more entertaining. No offense to my female friends who read this post!

Exposing my sappy, pathetic side...

I played this song over and over again after I got unceremoniously dumped a couple of months ago. Come to think of it, it was a bit melodramatic but the song somehow struck a chord with me at the time. After a while the song sort of lost its appeal as I regained a semblance of normalcy back in my life. But tonight, as I was sitting at a warung enjoying my Nasi Goreng Pattaya, the song came on the radio and I was instantaneously transported back in time to that fateful day two months ago. It brings out again my sappy, pathetic side; hence, the posting of this YouTube video. Enclosed is the song's lyrics.

Cinta Dalam Hati by Ungu

Mungkin ini memang jalan takdirku
mengagumi tanpa di cintai
Tak mengapa bagiku asal kau pun bahagia
dengan hidupmu, dengan hidupmu

Telah lama kupendam perasaan itu
menunggu hatimu menyambut diriku
Tak mengapa bagiku cintaimu pun adalah
bahagia untukku, bahagia untukku

Reff:
Ku ingin kau tahu diriku di sini menanti dirimu
Meski ku tunggu hingga ujung waktuku
Dan berharap rasa ini kan abadi untuk selamanya
Dan ijinkan aku memeluk dirimu kali ini saja
'tuk ucapkan selamat tinggal untuk selamanya
Dan biarkan rasa ini bahagia untuk sekejab saja

Message for Miss Brightside

If you're reading this I just want to tell you that I'll be in Jakarta on 19 - 22 March, which I know you're well aware of. But I'm almost sure that you'll not want to meet me in person for reasons that both you and I know very well. But I'm hoping that you can gather some courage and meet with me over coffee. Even for ten minutes. Give me the opportunity to present my side of the story. If meeting in person is not possible, then give me a call while I'm there. I still have the same Indo hp number: +6287877236807. Later later alligator!

Amnesia Melalui Kebencian

Pernah terlintas di benak fikiranku apakah perasaan marah dan benci itu boleh mendorong kita ke jalan pelupaan? Dengan membayangkan seseorang yang pernah kita kenali secara intim itu sebagai sesuatu yang sangat menjijikkan, bahkan lebih hina dan meloyakan dari najis berat mughalazah, akan memudahkan proses penghapusan memori itu sendiri? Aku, secara peribadi, tidak mempunyai kemampuan untuk membenci seseorang dengan sedemikian rupa tapi aku ingin tahu apakah proses amnesia melalui kebencian ini suatu teknik terapi yang efektif dan berkesan? Apakah benar dengan membenci seseorang itu dan menganggap dia sebagai suatu entiti yang lebih kecil dari kuman bakteria akan membolehkan kita menghapuskan segala kenangan indah yang pernah kita kecapi bersama orang itu, atau sekurang-kurangnya mengubah kenangan itu menjadi suatu titik hitam yang akan lama-kelamaan pudar ditelan waktu?

Entah lah. Aku tidak mahu berpura-pura mengetahui jawapan untuk pertanyaan di atas. Lain orang lain selok-belok fikirannya. Soal hati dan fikiran ini kita serahkan kepada yang Esa sahaja. Hanya Dia yang maha mengetahui. Tapi yang aku ingin sekali tahu ialah apakah patut kita merasa benci kepada seseorang itu walaupun orang itu pada pandangan dia tidak pernah berlaku salah apa-apa pun terhadap diri kita ini? Apakah itu suatu perlakuan yang moral dan beretika dalam mencari apa-apa sebab pun untuk membenci seseorang itu semata-mata kita ingin melupakan segala pengalaman yang kita pernah alami bersama si-dia?

Bukan tugas aku di sini untuk menghakimi seseorang itu kerana aku hormat kepada kemampuan akal fikiran individu itu sendiri untuk menilai apa yang baik dan buruk di dalam hidupnya. Akan tetapi kita harus memikirkan seketika apakah sebenarnya erti kebencian itu? Padaku memang wajar sekali kalau kita membenci sesuatu atau seseorang yang memang wajib dibenci seperti rasisme, penganiayaan anak kecil dan binatang, pembunuh, perogol, peperangan dan lain-lain. Tapi persoalannya sekarang adakah wajar untuk kita membenci sesuatu atau seseorang yang tidak pernah berlaku salah terhadap diri kita ini? Menurut pandangan aku hak membenci itu sememangnya hak individu masing-masing dan selagi hak individu ini tidak menyalahi undang-undang dan memecah-belahkan masyarakat bagiku itu tidak menjadi masalah walaupun aku sama sekali tidak bersetuju dengan sebab dan objek kebencian individu itu.

Bagiku, untuk membenci seseorang itu jauh lebih mudah dari memaafkan kerana untuk memaafkan seseorang itu memerlukan penurunan ego yang drastik dan kemampuan untuk melihat objek kebencian itu bukan sebagai binatang yang menjijikkan tetapi sebagai manusia yang setara dan bermaruah. Bak kata pepatah Inggris, "it takes a bigger man to forgive" atau Nabi Isa sendiri pernah berbicara di dalam kitab Injil "turn the other cheek." Memang perasaan benci dan amarah (aggression), menurut Sigmund Freud, itu sebahagian dari naluri asas manusia tetapi semuanya terserah kepada individu itu sendiri untuk menguasai perasaan bencinya itu dan sejauh mana dia harus meluahkannya. Tapi berbalik kepada soalan asal: apakah dengan merendam fikiran kita dengan rasa benci kepada seseorang itu boleh mengikis bersih segala memori pahit-manis bersama orang itu? Wallahualam bis-shawab (hanya Tuhan sahaja yang mengetahui apa yang benar).

Happy Monthly PMS Day!

I'm not sure if this post is appropriate or not but I figure, what the heck! It's my blog and I can do whatever I want with it, right? Yeah, I do know the freedom of speech issue pretty well but then I don't want to hurt somebody's feeling by making inappropriate post, especially someone I deeply care about.

Anyway, if that person is reading this, then I like to wish you a HAPPY MONTHLY PMS DAY! If you think stomachache and cramps are bad, wait until you get hot flashes and osteoporosis when you hit menopause!

Anyway, this greeting assumes that you have a regular 28-day period. If I mistime this greeting, then I do apologize...

On Responsibility and Consequences

I agree that we should take responsibility for all our actions. Only a coward would run away from owning up to the consequences of his/her responsibility. And I also agree that a person is not just responsible for his/herself but also to the people close to him/her like taking care of sick parents, supporting your sibling's education, helping a friend in need, etc. Basically, being responsible means doing the RIGHT thing. Let's say if we find a wallet full of money on the street, it is our responsibility to find its rightful owner and return it. Or if we see a hungry kitten on the street it's our responsibility to feed it.

But should we take responsibility for something that we know is NOT right? Especially taking responsibility for somebody who doesn't feel the need to be responsible for himself and people close to him? Who doesn't know what the word "responsibility" means even when one gives him the dictionary to look it up? For me that is not being responsible; it's being exploited. I believe that you should only be responsible for what you believe is the right thing to do. If you know that something is wrong, then you shouldn't be suckered into being responsible for it and ultimately pay for the consequences.

Somebody I know used to say that life is about making choices and she chooses to be a responsible person. It's a noble choice and I wish more people are like her because being a responsible person takes a lot of guts. But there is a fine line that divides between responsibility as a virtuous pursuit and responsibility as an irrational human behavior.

Going back to my experience volunteering at the abused women shelter in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, one of the main reasons these women stay in the abusive relationship for a long time before they finally decide to leave is because they feel responsible for their abusive spouses/partners and to keep the marriage intact no matter how bad it is. It takes them a long time to figure out that it's such a shitty responsibility to have before they finally decide to escape.

My point is that you cannot be responsible for something you know deep down inside is wrong. It's not called responsibility; it's a complete and abject surrender of free will. You should only assume responsibility and the consequences from doing something you truly believe in and one you believe is RIGHT.

It reminds me of the old P. Ramlee film "Anakku Sazali." Sazali in the film is a rich spoiled brat who always gets whatever he wants and his dad never once stands up to him. Sazali grows up to be a ruthless gangster and one day after a botched robbery he tries to hide from the police in his dad's house. His dad is now faced with a dilemma: should he turn over his only son to the police or hide him? His dad always gives in to all Sazali's demands since he was small and so Sazali is confident that he'd protect him now. In the end, the dad does the right thing by calling the police to come to the house and arrest Sazali. It takes the dad so many years to realize that he has been responsible for his son for all the wrong reasons and finally decides to atone for his past sins by getting Sazali arrested. It's one of my all time favorite P. Ramlee's films.

Romancing the blog

She asked me once if I'm the romantic type and I said yes but unconventionally. I'm a sucker for romance if I'm really passionate about the person but I don't subscribe to the traditional notion of romance. For me romance should be full of surprises until to the point where even the traditional romantic effort becomes a surprise in itself. I don't believe in buying chocolates or roses for the girl I'm romancing but I would bake my own chocolate/pastries/cookies or fold origami roses for the girl I'm into. It's all about being creative, fresh and most importantly, sensitive to the person you're with. I prefer unplanned picnic by the lake or the countryside than a romantic candle-light dinner in a fancy French restaurant. It's not that I'm cheap but I believe the more you put into the romantic endeavor the more fulfilling and meaningful the relationship will be.

I think the key is to remember every little details about your partner and the surprises her later with romantic efforts that are closely related to the specific detail. One time a girl told me that she's having cramps and stomachache from PMS, so I had a bit of surprise ready for her when she came to see me. There awaited her when she arrived were a slice of cake with lighted candle and a note saying "Happy Monthly PMS: Do you think this is bad? Wait till you get hot flashes and osteoporosis when you hit menopause!" Okay, it's tacky and maybe slightly inappropriate but she did enjoy it at that time. Now that's my idea of romance! I'm hoping that Hallmark will pick up on it one of these days...

I just saw the movie "The Curious Case of Benjamin Buttons" and I love it. I think it's such an endearingly romantic movie, very unconventional in its way of conveying love on so many different levels. I'm just touched by how they just knew that they were meant for each other even when he's a 90-year old boy and she's a 10-year girl and how the love survives until the end when he's a senile baby and she's a 90-year old woman. I can't believe I've never read the short story before since I'm a fan of F. Scott Fitzgerald, especially his novel "The Great Gatsby." Now I have to go search the bookstore or the internet for the original story.

Speaking of true love waits, my all-time favorite romance novel has to be "Love in the Time of Cholera" by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. It's a story about searching and longing for that one true love all throughout our life when destiny decides in the end that the search is over and the two separated lovers who had first met when they were young are finally reunited after being apart for more than fifty years. In Malay we call that Cinta Abadi. If you're meant for each other not even time and disparate geography can stop the love from being realized. I just hope that I don't have to wait thirty years before I'm finally re-connected with my true love. It sucks having to wait that long and in the novel, the protagonist sleeps with countless random women (he's remains unmarried until near the end of the story) but the physical gratification he gets from womanizing comes no where near to the emotional pleasure he derives by peeking through her house gate just to have a glimpse of her silhouette. If that's not true love then I don't know what is...

Not Paying The Fair Price

I was listening to my iPhone in the subway today when the song Mr. Brightside by The Killers came up. It's her favorite karaoke song and for me it's the song I'll forever associate with her - too bad for the band! But a particular line of the song struck a chord with me and somewhat inspired me to write this post: "But it's just the price I pay." The line sounds pessimistic and bleak, an act of surrendering to the fate one cannot change. It's like saying there's nothing I can do about this particular problem and I just have to accept the consequences.

I have two issues with regard to the pessimistic interpretation of this particular line. First, the price we pay is ALWAYS negotiable especially when we live in places where people bargain all the time like Malaysia and Indonesia. We don't always have to accept the price we're being asked to pay. We can negotiate the price down or just simply refuse to pay and walk away. So the price that we end up paying might not be as expensive as we thought it was going to be originally. With a bit of cleverness and determination all parties to the negotiation can be happy and satisfied with the price that they have to pay or receive in the end.

Second, in the context of the song the line actually has a positive meaning of change. Try to read the lines that follow it: "Destiny is calling me, Open up my eager eyes, Cause I'm Mr. Brightside." So, what it actually means is that the character in the song is looking to make some major changes in his/her life, which include leaving behind the old familiar routine and faces to embrace the highly exciting yet uncertain new destiny. In all, the line is not bleak at all; the person is just beginning to open up his/her eager eyes as he/she realizes that change is in the air and that he/she wants to be part of it because it's also part of his/her destiny.

Even the title "Mr. Brightside" speaks loudly of hope and optimism. If it's a pessimistic song the band should change the title to "Mr. Darkside" instead.

Dream vs Reality

Most moms have this preternatural sense of knowing if their children are in trouble even without the children showing it. My mom is no different and she does this even while I was living in the US. She would call me up all of the sudden and ask if I was feeling fine as if she knew that I was stressed out with work and study. Right now she knows that I'm going through a tough emotional crisis even though I never once betray my emotions in-front of her. My mom and I are really close and we share almost every secrets between us but I never once told her that my heart has recently been broken and that I have been an emotional wreck for the past couple of weeks. She just knows. She asked me a few times if there's something wrong but I refused to divulge any info because I didn't want to make her worry about my emotional health. I just told her I'm fine and my life is just swell. But the other day, she just blurted this out of the blue: "You can't always get everything you want in life. Sometimes you have to make a serious compromise and just hope for the best!" Wow, I never knew my mom is a psychic but she is - with me at least.

So we ended up having a long talk about what we dream of having versus what we can realistically get. I told her that while I believe some compromise is important to act as an anchor that keeps our feet on the ground but there are also parts of the dream that we should not abandon and must pursue vigorously. Dream is what keeps us moving forward and gives meaning to our life. Accepting reality as a fate that cannot be changed means a complete surrender to a life as a zombie. Human beings are endowed with free will to change their fate if they choose to do so. It says so in the Qur'an. God will not change one's fate unless if the person strives to change it first.

Still on the subject of dream versus reality, she then asked me what I really look for in a woman, a question that she has asked me a zillion times before and one she already knew the answer to. I told her I'm looking for a woman who shares my passions in life and that I don't believe in opposite attraction. See, my mom and my dad are two diametrically opposite people whose personality differences are like night and day, and my mom likes to say that this is the reason why the marriage lasts for as long as it does. But I like to point out to her that the marriage almost collapsed twice because my dad is a wife-cheating two-timing bastard and what sustains the marriage until now is my mom's saint-like level of patience.

So back to what I look for in my dream girl. I told my mom that some criteria are just non-negotiable such as love for books and the outdoors. Everyone knows how much I love reading and spending time in the nature i.e. hiking, camping, swimming, mountain-biking, etc and for my future partner not to share these passions with me is simply unthinkable! I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life with someone who complains that I bury my nose in the books all the time and who hates spending time with me outside because the sun makes her skin dark, sweats profusely, dirty and simply unattractive. But I told my mom, in my experience, it's hard to find Malay girls like that and that's why I've been going out with American girls over the years. My mom then said maybe I will have to reconsider these criteria since not many Malay girls are like that and sometimes we cannot get everything we want in life. You see, my mom in her golden years are becoming more pessimistic and accepting of fate as a fait accompli. Or maybe she just wants me to settle down as soon as possible. But I replied that we can get everything or almost everything we want in this life only if we work hard enough to make it happen. Like I said before, God will not change our fate for us; only we can. And I was adamant when I told her for the umpteenth time that I WILL NOT settle down with a woman who hates reading and the outdoors. No way, Jose! There are no ands, ifs or buts...

On a general level, I believe that we should not abandon our dream just because it seems unattainable. The reality, although sucks, offers a sense of comfort and familiarity that most people see as barely tolerable and one they can try to live with for the rest of their life. But then these people are simply resigning to their alloted fate without even attempting to realize their dreams. Dreams, though exciting, imply the uncertainty of not knowing what lies ahead. But it is dreams that give us the sustenance to live and to progress as a humankind. Imagine what would happen if every human beings on this earth refuse to realize their dreams and just totally surrender to their fate (present reality)? There will be no Einstein, no Edison, no Wright brothers, no Darwin, no Galileo, no Da Vinci. Well, you get the point. Where would our human civilization be without dreamers trying to realize their dreams?

Realizing one's dreams requires hard work and the willingness to take risks, which most people are not prepared to do. Most people are afraid of the failure that can come with chasing dreams, so they rather stay put in their depressing but "safe" reality. But if we don't try then how do we know that we are going to fail or succeed? If we try and fail, at least we can look back and say that we did try our best to achieve our dreams but fate just would not have it any other way. I remember teaching my students in the pesantren the American idiom "shoulda coulda woulda," which means a person who regrets not doing something in the past which could have changed his/her present condition for the better. It then leads to another idiom, "there's no point in crying over spilled milk" since what's done is done. But what the idiom neglects to mention is that one can always wipe the table clean and buy a new carton of milk to replace the spilled one. It means that while God has assigned each individual his/her fate but with enough effort and determination one might be able to change the assigned fate. So let's not give up and surrender to our seriously compromised reality. Have faith in chasing our dreams in order to find a better future...

Complete Capitulation

Below are a couple of excerpts from the exchanges I had with her now on-again boyfriend yesterday. Now I fully understand why she's been cutting me off on all communication front. I'm not sure if she shares with him all the communications I've been sending her or if he has total unfettered access to all her email and Facebook accounts. Either way, I think it's really sad that she's letting this guy takes total control of her life and invading every inch of her private space.

I'm still grasping for an answer to explain this complete surrender of individual privacy. Is this what she meant by giving him another chance to change? By completely and cravenly surrendering her individual autonomy for the sake of sustaining the almost-doomed relationship? It seems like a counter-productive thing to do as what she's doing is just hardening his old habits. There's no incentive for him to change because he has her on tight leash and she's not going anywhere because he controls every aspect of her life. He is now the master of her domain - to paraphrase Jerry Seinfeld.

I'm not angry at her for turning out this way but really pity her for putting herself in such a situation. I know she's a much much better person than this, and I think she knows it herself too. All sane people can see that this kind of relationship is not going to be a happy one and is most likely to end in disaster. I've read what she wrote in her old blog (kerigitmaniez) and she hasn't been entirely happy with him even after the first few months of the relationship. The ominous signs were crystal clear even from back then. I sincerely hope that she gets out of it before it's too late, and I'm saying this as a friend who cares for her physical and emotional well-being.

I don't know if this guy also reads my blog but I don't give a flying fuck, really. He can leave nasty comments here and I'll just delete them. I've dealt with freaks on my blog before but usually on hot political issues. Anyway, I don't think this insecure hyper-possessive man-child dignifies a response from me. It'll be a waste of my time and typing skills. One thing I can say to him is if you can't stand the heat then stay the fuck away from the kitchen...
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Subject: hi..

hi man, this is mike.. i'm elvita's fiancee.. i will really appreciate it if u could stop sending message or email to my fiancee.. please stop, cause it's just not right.. find your own girl, go on with you life, and also don't call my fiancee mon cherie, cause she's not yours..

and i don't think she needs any update on your life, cause she already got her own life and mine to take care of..

i really hope you understand, cause what u have done is just not right, what will u do if some stranger guy hit on your girl, u must be pissed right?

so just stop....
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My Reply:

i see that somebody is a bit green with jealousy. it's understandable though. you see, i think being super possessive and an insecure control freak is not cool really. elvita has her own independent mind and she doesn't need somebody to tell her what to do or think. also, in case you forget, the last time i check, freedom of speech is still being practiced on FB.

i'll do what i need to do and if you're not man enough to face it, then it's too bad for you.
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Re: hi..

hey man, i already ask u politely, and i'm not going to repeat it again.. have a little dignity as a man.. stop disturbing our life with your useless update.. if u want to announce the whole world about your life it's your own personal right, but please stop sending email or sms to my fiancee..

and i think it's so sad of you that u like someone else's fiancee.. get a grip and find another girl..