The M Word

There I was peacefully minding my own business when a relative, who happened to stay over at my house, suddenly interjected: "So I heard that you're going to Germany soon. When is it that are you going to get married then if you keep on traveling like this and never stay put in one place for very long?" Yes, I'm talking about that M word: Marriage, Matrimony and their kin. Okay, first of all I truly despise people who try to impose their values on others especially the moral ones. It's like if you're not living according to their own myopic, morally-rigid Manichean world view then your life is rendered utterly meaningless, and worse yet, condemned by the Almighty to an eternity in the seventh ring of Hell. But then that has always been the least of my worry since I usually ignore these self-righteous people and more than happy to just let them go foaming at the mouth. I'm more worried if a speck of that spittle from the excessive sermonizing ends up on my face! I've always lived my life as I deemed fit, shaped by the values and norms I've internalized over the years through places I've lived in and people I've met. Ain't nobody be telling me how to live, not even my parents!

Anyway, back to the M word. Why is this such a big deal especially in this part of the world? I remember writing about this topic before but I'm too lazy to search the archive. Why are some people so obsessed with the institution of marriage so much so that to question its relevance can be perceived as sacrilegious? Well, for a lot of people it is a sacred bond: a contract signed and sealed under the aegis of a holy institution, namely organized religion. Therefore to question its meaning and validity can be construed as a direct challenge on the divine injunctions of God (s). In Islam the oft-repeated saying is that marriage (metaphorically) makes up half of one's deeds (ibadah) on this Earth, simply to show how important it is in relation to one's other mortal activities such as working, praying, studying, etc. Despite marriage's high level of cultural and religious cachet I still believe that it's an overrated institution, unjustifiably elevated to the untouchable realm of the divine, and should be seen as what it really is: a legally-sanctioned act of procreation which sole purpose is to increase the size of the flock, be it tribal or religious or whatever.

Okay, I don't want to come off as a cynic who is completely disillusioned with the institution of marriage, which by the way I'm not despite of my serious misgivings. But then if one manages to scratch past the superficial romantic ideals commonly associated with marriage one finds that legalized marriage is a way for a specific society to protect itself from being culturally diluted, maintaining its raison d'etre, and thus protecting itself from any existential threat by virtue of the numbers game. In other words, to preserve or even increase the size of its flock. Marriage in a way is a mutually-benefiting endeavor, not just between the bride and the groom but also between the couple and the specific social group they belong to. Freud stipulates that sex is one of the two most underlying traits of human nature and motivation (aggression is the other one), which needs to be satisfied, one way or the other. But then in societies where cultural and religious integrity is highly valued, sex, at least the procreation part of it, is an activity that needs to be jealously guarded and closely supervised. Hence any hot-blooded member of the said tribe raging with hormones wanting to engage in carnal pleasures that might lead to the preservation of one's own genealogical line has to have the imprimatur of the authority before doing so. The religious or cultural vanguards give their official blessing, under strict guidelines of course, while the couple gets to keep one of their Freudian basic needs in check; thus, the mutually-benefiting agreement. People get to copulate and reproduce while the tribal leaders have the peace of mind knowing that the flock will remain intact and might even increase in size.

I might be over-intellectualizing the whole utility of the marriage institution but at least on the statistical front I think my views on marriage as overrated and under-appreciated are justified. In general about half of marriages end up in divorce - there are official figures somewhere but again I'm too lazy to find them - and this is not including unhappy and abusive marriages. I sat through divorce proceedings in Kuala Lumpur Syariah Court a couple of years ago and remember being amazed at the ease and rate of people (Muslims in this case) get divorce. I asked the judge during lunch break if it's common to have so many divorces in one day, and he said that on the average there are about 15-20 divorce cases on the daily docket. People get divorced as easily as they get married, which shows how much value they put on the whole marriage institution itself. On a more personal note I'm at the stage of my life where most of friends are married with kids, and guess what, a lot of them are divorced too. Some who still remain married are not happy and simply bear with it for the sake of their children and other people's perception. Worse of all, some of them end up having mistresses or illicit affairs or even patronize prostitutes on a regular basis. Mind you that these are people I know extremely well, some for almost all of my life, and they are not shy in sharing all the details.

Like I said before I have nothing against the marriage institution; only well-founded wariness and healthy skepticism. I do realize that happiness and harmony in marriage are not guaranteed and it still takes a leap of faith on one's part despite all the precautions taken. But I believe that it's a calculated risk that can be managed carefully if one is deliberate and patient enough. The mistake is to rush headlong into this binding contract with nary an idea of what is needed to make it work or that one is even compatible with each other. I remember reading an article in the NY Times some time ago about a longitudinal study being done to look at happy and unhappy marriages. The findings state that a happy marriage typically consists of a couple who complement each other and always provide new challenges to the other person, be it physically or intellectually, so the marriage doesn't become stale and ossified. Ask yourself this question then if you're contemplating marriage or are already in one: What will your partner/spouse be like in five years time? Ten years? Twenty years? Will he or she still be as fascinating as when you first met him or her? Is this the person you want to grow old and ride into the sunset with? When I read that article I felt somewhat vindicated because that's exactly what I search for in a partner. Alas, at the time of this writing the search still continues.