Writing Muse

Some of my friends used to comment on my blog that I don't write enough personal stuff and that most of my writings are political in nature. It's true. I make political commentaries most of time because politics is my obsession. I always have something to say about any political events since I'm a student of politics and I read the papers everyday, and the easiest way to elicit a vigorous response from me is through political discussions. I find it easy to write about politics as ideas freely cascade down like an unimpeded waterfall. But I find it difficult to write about my personal life because I think it's not that interesting - to me at least. My personal life is pretty mundane when I come to think of it. Once in a while I do something fun like exploring new places, trying new food or meeting somebody interesting but for the most part I'm just like other drones on this earth: wake up, work/study, eat, sleep, repeat cycle. I might write about peculiar things I see or experience but then the writings are not really about me per se. It's hard for me to write about myself because most of the time I'm emotionally-stable and drama-less. The only subject that manages to wrest me out of my cool composure is politics, which acts as an agent provocateur that forces me to translate my raw emotions into writing. Politics is my muse, that is until now.

Lately, as my readers can see, I have been writing about personal stuff a lot. Five out of the six most recent entries are about my personal feelings. One has to wonder what kind of power this woman holds over me that makes me uncharacteristically write about my hidden emotions from the deep recesses of my being. I'd have to say that she is my unwitting muse, standing tall amidst the personal maelstrom that's engulfing me now. The kind of raw emotional responses she elicits from me are not unlike the ones I get from reading and watching political news. The thing is I don't even have to read the papers, go the news websites or turn on CNN to get emotionally riled up. All I have to do is think about her and a flood of writing ideas come rushing in like a broken dam.

Is it good or bad? Well, I'll let my readers be the judge of that. Since my new writing muse also reads my blog I do have to somewhat temper the stuff I write. There were at least two entries I wrote last week but didn't post to my blog because they were written in the heat of the moment and might be a tad bit abrasive and emotionally over-wrought. It has never been my intention to hurt my muse through my writings as I do care deeply about her. Since my blog is the only way I can communicate with her now gives me more incentive not to turn her away with knee-jerk writings. But whatever happened between us has allowed me to be more introspective of my true feelings, of what I should expect from a romantic relationship, and what not to do if I'm given a second chance at it. Gosh, I'm really a sucker when it comes to the matter of the heart. I've always prided myself on being emotionally (and physically) tough and I used to make fun of people who were emotionally devastated from broken relationships. "What's the big deal? Just tough it out like a man that I think you are and go get yourself another girl." Bunga bukan sekuntum, kumbang bukan seekor as the popular Malay proverb says. But what the proverb neglects to mention is that the particular bunga is an extremely rare orchid that can only be found deep in the Amazon basin and the particular kumbang is the almost extinct species of Sumerian beetle, which known number is believed to be less than 100 worldwide (I'm just making this up).

I don't know how long I'll be writing about my personal feelings before I revert back to "politics-as-usual" posts. Maybe when I'm completely over her, then I'll be able to resume my political writing but I doubt it. I'm cursed with strong memory and tender heart. I very rarely get emotionally wounded but when it happens it hurts like hell and the wound never completely heals. I just hope that I can divert some of my focus on other important aspects of my life such as academic writing, teaching, researching and others. But now it's seemingly impossible to train my mind on something else as it is fixated on one object and one object only, and that object of my fixation is reading this post now!