In my recent relationship with the Jakarta news anchor she told me many times that I'm a nice guy. I didn't take her very seriously at that time because I thought she was saying it just to make me feel good. Honestly I didn't know what she meant by me being a nice guy. Is it being nice as opposed to being a pompous asshole? In that case, yes, I'm a super duper nice guy, I think. The question is what does being nice mean, or more specifically, what is her interpretation of a nice man? Well, she never told me exactly why she thought I'm a nice guy but I can always venture an educated guess.
I've always been a good listener, a skill I learned a long time ago through the hard way when a dear friend chastised me for talking too much and not listening enough. I remember that he was trying to tell me his personal problems and I kept talking about mine instead. He got sick of it and told me that his problems got even worse after talking to me and that I wasn't helping at all. I was taken aback by his seemingly callous remark as I sincerely wanted to help him solve his problems. But then it immediately dawned on me that he was right. I did talk too much and I forgot that my role was to actually listen to his problems and offer consolation. From that day forward I realized that a healthy dose of empathy is required no matter what conversation I'm engaged in. I found out that people appreciate it even more when I listen attentively and only occasionally offer my two-cent. By listening I learn A LOT about the other person and people are usually pretty impressed when I'm able to recall some obscure fact from our long-forgotten conversations.
In the context of my recent romantic adventure I was able to offer her a sympathetic ear when she poured her problems out and tried my very best to help her out in my own limited way. But I guess I wasn't listening to her closely enough when she told me that she was having doubts about our relationship and that she needed time and space to figure out what she really wants in life i.e. career and relationship. And that spelled doom for our fast and furious romance. Now I wish that I would have backed off and allowed her to do what she needs to do, instead of putting her between a rock and a hard place, or as her status on Facebook once stated, "trapped between walls." I was being selfish as I only thought about what I wanted at that time with reckless disregard for her emotional needs. Instead of offering moral support I ended up putting her in a vise and twisting it even tighter. Oh how I wish I can turn back time and make amends for all the insensitive mistakes I made these past few weeks...
Honestly, not to toot my own horns or anything, I do consider myself as a nice guy, to a default in some cases. I give money to a drunken homeless guy who told me he hasn't eaten in two days knowing full well that he will instead use my money to buy a can of Steel Reserve (malt liquor). But I justify it by saying that the homeless guy needs any kind of salve to ease his suffering, be it food or alcohol. And alcohol is somewhat nutritious too though I doubt doctors will recommend it as part of the food pyramid any time soon!
I'm also a very trusting person with people I'm close with to the point of naivete sometimes. I trust my friends to do right by me as I would them, and sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. I remember being conned by a very close friend whom I've known for almost 17 years. I consider him like my own brother and I would lay my life on the line for him without even batting an eye. We had a business deal together and he ran away with a few thousand ringgit of my money. If he was desperate for money he could have just told me and I'd be glad to help him out financially. He didn't have to go through the length of concocting a devious scheme to fleece me out. I remember sending him an email - after a string of un-replied phone calls and sms - telling him that I didn't care so much about the money and that I was mostly disappointed with the breach of trust. I also told him he can always pay me according to his ability and there's no immediate pressure to pay off the loan. He didn't reply to my email at all and to this very day I still haven't seen a single cent of the money he borrowed from me.
After almost two years of broken friendship I decided that it was almost pointless to sever a long-standing tie with a good friend over some measly amount of money and I made a full-faith attempt to rekindle our friendship. We became friends again and we do hang out occasionally to have drinks or play snooker but I never once mention about the money. I guess if that is what it takes to sustain a friendship, then it's perfectly fine by me. Money is replaceable but friends are not, or so says the cliche...
By the way, tonight I'm in my best fucking mood since a week ago. For my few scant readers, they know that I've been a total emotional wreck this past week due to the separation from my erstwhile Jakarta l'amour and that she has been shutting down all channels of communication between us. The deep anxiety of not knowing anything about her and to face the dark prospect of losing her forever is really killing me - maybe it will later if I keep wallowing in self-pity by not sleeping and not eating much and smoking too much! Tonight I received an sms from her telling me to stop sms'ing her and that she'll find me someday when she's ready. But then there's more. She mentioned that she does read my blog and she also wanted me not to change my email address, so she'll be able to contact me later - remember at this point she's already blocked me out of Google Talk (see, that's why you haven't been receiving my emails!) and "un-friended" me on Facebook but strangely enough, added me as friend on Friendster (but she's not very active here). I'm just so happy that she actually reads my blog, which means that there is a way for me to communicate with her, albeit only in one direction. But still, all hope is not lost! After being sorely depressed this is the kind of morale booster I need in order to function as a normal human being again. And she did finish off her sms with her trademark goodbye "later later alligator!" Oh wow, that really made my day! I can sleep happy tonight... By the way, Vie, you can always contact me through my blog if all else fails and my Malaysian hp number will always be the same.
I can now fully concentrate on other important aspects of my life such as coming up with good research questions for my doctoral study, sending in the application to ANU, taking the road test for big-engined motorcycle (B Full license), finishing up abandoned writing projects, creating a proposal to start a multi-ethnic youth development program in the Klang Valley, trying to get USM Penang to hire me as a Research Officer for the time being and most importantly, meeting up with friends again. I don't want to be a downer when I hang out with my buddies, so that's why I've been avoiding most of them lately. Man, it sure feels good to be somewhat normal again!
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