I'm sad to say that my whirlwind Jakarta romance has ended rather ingloriously. It was short-lived but highly exciting while it lasted. What went wrong that led to its untimely demise? Plenty, I'd say, but I guess I can only blame myself for pushing for something that probably wasn't there in the first place. It's like chasing after a mirage in the open desert, or to put it in a gambling context, I overplayed my hand and I lost big time.
I like the gambling analogy, so I'll use the Texas Hold 'Em No Limit poker game to illustrate my ignominious defeat. You see, I've always been a risk-taker, an adrenaline junkie who loves to live life on the edge. I crave constant challenges and I'm always confident that I'll find my way out of any problems. People who know me well can attest to this character of mine.
In this romantic version of a poker game I was dealt a really fine hand, a Straight Flush with King high. A virtually unbeatable hand in normal circumstances. Naturally it led me to bet big, all of my chips to be exact, in order to force other players to fold. Surprisingly, one player, a Jakarta news anchor moonlighting as an amateur poker player, decided to call my bet. Big mistake I'd say as I chuckled softly under my bated breath. When her hand was revealed it turned out that she also had a Straight Flush but with Ace high! Boy, did I get hustled or what? It never crossed my mind that she'd hold such strong hand, much less one with an Ace high. I just got taken to the cleaners by an Ace I could have foreseen before, only if I wasn't carried away by my own hubris.
How does this poker analogy relate to my recent romantic crash-and-burn adventure? The poker game can be likened to the three months I've known this woman. I thought I had a winning hand - a Straight Flush with King high - after we hit it off so well and the sparks were flying when we met in Jakarta. Being a risk-taker I decided to go all in by asking her to be my girlfriend knowing full well that she's having reservations about our prospects together and that she's currently in a relationship with her on-again/off-again boyfriend. But I figured my seemingly invincible Straight Flush would be strong enough to prevail in the end, but alas, I thought wrong! I didn't factor in the two-year history she has with her boyfriend and underestimated its strength due to its rocky nature, and that shared history turned out to be the Ace-in-the-hole that ultimately trumped my King high.
Of course I'm highly disappointed that this beautiful relationship had to end, especially in the abrupt way that it did. I was in a complete and utter mess when it ended and it was rather unfortunate that Nick had to deal with all my emotional outbursts and the never-ending "what-went-wrong" conversations. By the way, I'm currently in Penang meeting some professors at Universiti Sains Malaysia about the possibility of teaching at the university and getting funding to pursue my PhD in Australia, so I'm crashing at Nick's place near the campus. He was there with me the whole time when I was ingloriously dumped. I love you, man!! Thanks for being there for me and listen to all my whining and groaning!
While I partly blame the failure of this whirlwind romance on my cavalier attitude, it was also my inability to see the warning signs that helped to seal its doomed fate. The signs were eerily similar to the ones that led to my break-up with Jess many years ago. I get goose bumps when I think about the parallels between the two failed romantic ventures. The signs were there and I did notice them but simply refused to acknowledge them on the grounds that it could be different this time around.
What are the signs? Simply put, they consist of an overly controlling and possessive boyfriend who is also emotionally parasitic and abusive; and an emotionally dependent woman who is in the relationship out of sympathy for the guy and is imbued with false hopes that she can change and mold him to her liking.
Newsflash: He is NOT going to change and emotional dependency is a quiet psychological affliction that physically and emotionally battered women generally refuse to admit they have until it's too late.
I'm speaking from experience as I used to volunteer in a battered women shelter in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I was also doing research for my Female Psychology class project and I interviewed many women in the shelter who had just escaped years of abusive relationship. I was very surprised that almost all of them managed to stay in the abusive relationship for many, many years before decided to leave their violent spouses/boyfriends.
When asked why they stayed in the abusive relationship for as long as they did, their answers were invariably similar: They loved their men and were holding onto the hopes of ultimately changing them for the better. Their typical partners were generally the possessive, control-freak type of men who love to play passive/aggressive mind game (abuse, apologize/make-up, abuse, repeat cycle endlessly). Mind you that abuse can be both physical and mental, with the latter kind being the most destructive and longer-lasting.
Physically and emotionally abusive men are typically insecure people with low self-esteem and self-confidence. They're like babies that need to be tended to and cared for all the time and are very demanding. Emotionally dependent women are usually the sympathetic type with strong maternal instincts who feel obligated to take care of all the whims and tantrums of their man-child partners. So naturally (and perversely), they feed off each other's weaknesses. Don't believe me? Look it up in any Female Psychology text book or go talk to the abused women in the shelter. I'm not pulling these stuff out of thin air.
For Vie: I sincerely hope that I'm wrong as I wish nothing but the best for the decision you had made. But the tell-tale signs are already there though it's still not too late to flee them now. Trust your doubts, which I know you have, as they're there to act as the defense mechanism to help you navigate the uncertainties in life. Life is too short and precious to sacrifice your future joy and dreams at the expense of making other people happy. You only live once.
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