Adrift and rudderless

Some people have told me that I've led an interesting life, doing unconventional things that most people in their normal, right-thinking ways don't usually do. Most people (at least people I know) live a very linear life trajectory: an education (generally a Bachelor's degree), a job (however boring it is as long as it pays the bill and provide some semblance of stability), a wife, a house (one of the cookie-cutters in the 'burb), 2.3 kids, retirement, and die (preferably in one's own home surrounded by loved ones)--in this strict order. I did the first step but never really had the desire to settle into a stable job that's related to my field of study. I've dabbled with many and varied lines of work including office temp, dry-cleaning store manager, warehouse worker, political canvasser and organizer, carpenter apprenticeship, lead abatement worker/supervisor, troubled youth and young adult counselor, after-school mentor, dealing with various levels of government (city, state and Federal), high school teacher, and helping to run a university summer language program. I don't have a wife nor is there a candidate looming in the horizon; ditto for home ownership (at least the one bought with my own hard-earned money--though the family house in Ampang is legally mine since the deed is under my name); and retirement--what retirement? Death is an absolute certainty and it arrives unannounced, so there's not much I can do with respect to it other than living my life in the moment.

But there comes the time, I think, in one's life journey that the sail needs to be raised, compass set, and helm commandeered. For years I've felt that my life has been like a boat making port calls in small islands in the vast ocean without a final destination in sight. It's been drifting along somewhat aimlessly, imbued by the capricious wave, swayed by the feckless wind and unmoored by whims of fancy. I need to find a worthy land to call my own where I can dock my boat permanently, marry the prettiest daughter of the local head villager, build a house and cultivate the land while raising 8 kids, 10 buffaloes, 15 goats, 53 chickens, 47 ducks, 5 cats, 2 birds and one hamster.

But seriously, I do envy the stability (family, career, income) enjoyed by my friends as much as they envy my freedom and itinerant lifestyle. My biggest fear is to fall into the mundane and routine rut of life and not able to climb out of it. The problem is right now I'm not even sure what I want to do in my life. I have a vague sense of direction and goals but I'm not certain if that's the path I want to walk on. Concretely speaking, as of now my career options are this: try to find a job here in the US and work for a couple of years before returning to Malaysia, then apply for a sponsorship to do a PhD in Australia and ultimately get a teaching job at a university in Malaysia. If I don't get the job in the US, then I'll go straight back to Malaysia, get a teaching job somewhere (preferably USM in Penang), get a sponsorship to do my PhD and continue teaching thereafter. Currently I'm waiting to hear back from two jobs: the first is based in Jakarta as an outreach coordinator to promote American education, and second is an Intelligence Analyst (specializing in SE Asia) for the US Army based in Fort Bragg, North Carolina. The analyst position is a 2-year contract position, so technically I'm not an employee of the Pentagon i.e. civil servant. Some of my pacifist friends still can't believe that I would even entertain the idea of working for the military but curiosity and a sense of adventure get the better of me. We'll see how it goes. In the mean time it seems like I'll be floating around in this rickety boat for a little longer while getting slammed on all sides by the crushing waves of recession. Oh what joy...