My grandma was admitted to the Putra Jaya hospital tonight. I was told by my dad to standby at the house and rush to the hospital just in case if worse comes to worse i.e. she dies. My grandma has been somewhat senile and sickly for the past few years, right after my grandpa's death. She doesn't remember who's who anymore and becomes crankier as she gets older. It has become so burdensome and utterly embarrassing to take her anywhere because she throws her temper tantrum around like a 2-year old baby.
I have a complicated relationship with my grandma, which is to be expected considering that she's a carbon-copy of my dad, and everybody knows what a great relationship I have with him! As the saying goes, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. I used to fight with my grandma all the time and there were at least a couple of times she evicted me out of her house in the middle of the night after a very heated argument. Out of all her grandchildren I was the rebellious one and the only one who dared to talk back to her. Like my dad, she rules her roost like a tin-pot dictator and hates for her absolute authority to be questioned by anyone. It's her way or the highway!
But unlike with my dad, I was my grandma's favorite grandchild. It's ironic but it's true. I never thought about it when I was growing up but now that she's on the verge of leaving this world some of the old memories come flooding in. My grandma is a materialistic and superficial person and the only way she shows her love and favoritism is by giving out material rewards and by how much she gets in return. So naturally, my dad is her favorite child because he gives her the most money. But what makes me her favorite grandchild since I've never given her a single cent in my life?
Honestly, I don't know. It could be that I'm her only grandchild who was born overseas (in the US), which makes me a bit special, I guess. Maybe I always did well in my studies despite all my shenanigans, which somehow endeared me to her. I remember she once told my cousins not to follow my "bad" examples because somehow whatever "bad" things I did had no negative effects on my studies, which seemed highly unusual to her. But the most plausible reason I think is because I was one of the few brave souls who had the guts to confront her and in a way she appreciated my candor and outspokenness. How do I know I was the favorite grandchild? She used to rank her favoritism by how much money she gave to her grandchildren on the first day of Idul-fitri, and as always I got the most money. She gave me money all the time even when I was already working with my own income. Plus, she told me a few times that I was her favorite grandchild despite our constant fights.
What do I feel now that she's on her dying breath languishing in the hospital? Frankly, I don't feel much emotion right now. Yeah, I'll be a little bit sad if she dies but I will not be shedding any tear. I think for the most part my feeling will be one of a huge relief. She hasn't really been herself ever since my grandpa died a few years ago and has suffered from acute dementia and other ailments. She's currently living a miserable life as far as I'm concerned (health-wise) and it seems like the after-life is a better option for her. My only hope is that if she does pass away it will be painless and peaceful.
Note: My grandma is a full-blooded Sundanese who was born and raised in Tasik Malaya, West Java. She's the reason why I still keep close contact with my Indo relatives.
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